So I definitely don’t keep up with this thing like most people do. But I also work entirely too much, to the point of ignoring any normal social upkeep. Life for me has been a whirlwind of good and bad, only the bad has been REALLY bad and the good has been REALLY good. Anyway, I heard a song on the radio tonight and it bothered me. Some song where the lyrics are “I kissed a girl, and I liked it.” While I have no immediate qualms with the subject matter, women kissing women, I do find the social norm of women kissing other women for nothing more that attention very frustrating. Sexuality to me is a matter of being honest with yourself and the partner or partners you choose in life. The song bothers me in the sense that it’s okay for women to use a false form of sexuality to get attention from men. I work in a bar where the concept of sexuality is MUCH more relaxed then just about anywhere else in Richmond, but I find myself mildly irritated when people try to “show off” and sort of sexual play or activities. I understand people will constantly find the need for attention grabbing, but I don’t like it when sexuality is used as their vehicle. I don’t like the American view on sex and sexuality. Entirely too repressed for my tastes, but this doesn’t mean I think we should all run around naked and fucking who ever. I simply stress the concept of tolerance, what you find comfortable for yourself is not what some one else might find as their vehicle of choice. I work at Fallout, I see naked people spanking each other, beating each other, you name I’ve seen it, but I can tell you right now I don’t ever partake in any of those activities out in the open like a good percentage of people at Fallout do. This isn’t to say I look down on the practices by any means, in fact being part of a place that allows such freedom is something to be quite proud of. I’m just stating the fact that I choose not to participate out of the fact that that’s just simply not my thing. I’m by no means prude, I’ll be the first to tell you I’m a total whore, but only to one person at a time in my own private environment and only with someone I love.

I just don’t like the social taboos of what is and is not okay. Being gay is taboo enough where some generic singer can come up with a half catching song and it makes her a couple million cause it’s a touchy subject but safe enough cause she just “kissed” a girl. Where’s the song where she talks about her meaningful relationship with another women, like we’ve all had regardless of gender?

Another thing I can’t stand is the women who think it’s okay, while in a heterosexual relationship, to fool around with another women. Just because you can’t pro-create with who ever you’re fucking doesn’t mean it isn’t cheating. When you commit, you commit to that person not their gender.

I'm loosing my mind slowly. That's the best way to sum my life thus far. I've very much succumbing to situations I feel I never would be a part of. I'm reacting poorly to people and situations that I feel normally wouldn't even enter my conscious though. I've become to involved and caught up in the little things and details in life, too involved with what I see in front of me every day instead of my usual neutral and objective mindset. I'm trying to figure out when the slip happened. Is it because of my failed marriage and stolen motherhood? Is it because I left a safe relationship for what I felt my heart wanted? Is it because I’m constantly caught up in the same goddamn scene day after day so it's hard to have an out-siders point of view? Is it because I'm in a very close relationship with a compulsive lier? I can point a thousand fingers and find a thousand reasons but true responsibility lies with me. I need to stop and re-evaluate my life and how I operate on a daily basis. I feel like I've slipped and once again closed up to people out of fear of being hurt. I've lost an immense amount if not all my compassion. I have literally become everything in life I've worked to hard to get away from. But now it's going to be my conscious effort to analyze and correct my behavior and spend more time focusing.

On a second note, Randy will be back Monday morning and I can't be more fucking thrilled. Lanny loves to make fun of us and the fact that we can't leave each other alone for more than 5 min, but he's right. I can't stand to be away from him. While we are very close to each other in a lot of ways we are also so very fucking different. He is my chaos in life. I'm too anal retentive and organized. I like things done a certain way and have a system fore every thing. Randy is the only person who can literally save me from myself. I will get so caught up in detail and order that I actually loose my fucking mind. But he has the ability to help me keep in mind that I'm not super girl and I'm not going to fix everything wrong with my life overnight. He's the chaos to my order. And I miss him so much.

    While I knew Fall Out would attract your occasional creep or weirdo who would just take things too far, I have met the mother load lately. Last Wednesday while dancing I was approached by our friendly neighborhood pot dealer at Fall Out. This guy never really does anything bad he's just ALWAYS high and trying to sell his wares that he partakes in so often. Well he comes in Wednesday and follows me all over the dance floor saying to me "I need a hot girl to whip me." I politely push him twice and tell him to back off both times. And can I just say because a girl is wearing garters and thigh highs DOES NOT mean she is down for what ever a stranger throws her way, there is a certain level of respect at Fall Out that everyone must maintain. This jackass decides to grab my ass when I wasn't looking. Now I will say I'm a pretty peaceful person who doesn't look to start fights but I'm not EVER going to take any disrespect to me or my body, so turned around in a rage and slapped him across the face so hard you could hear the "pop" over the music. The same moment I reared back a fist to really get my point across the security guard (the AMAIZING Reggie) grabbed him by the shoulders and threw his ass out. I went back to dancing like nothing happened but because this event went down in the middle of the dance floor it was witnessed by a large group of people they immediately started clapping for me and laughing at that fucktard. I'm so bad at taking compliments that I just kept dancing and just smiled when someone would clap for me. The best part was when Will came back inside after bit and told me how he cornered the guy in an alley and grabbed the little stoner fuck by the face and slammed his head into a brick wall. Thanks Will!

    Second guy at Fall Out who creeps me the fuck out is unfortunately my first stalker. Now people who know me know that I'm a generally nice person and don't hate people for their faults but I can be a little superficial (well, maybe really superficial at times), but that's only because I over analyze everything, including people. This guy is forty years old, works at Wal-Mart, and thinks he's "Lord of the Darkness" (which is his MySpace name by the way). The first night he comes into Fall Out was on a Monday (I bartend Mondays and Tuesdays for those who are curious) and sits at my bar for five hours. During these five hours he just talks about "goth" this and "goth" that, and there's this goth cruise and he would pay my whole way but I would have to stay in his room, and do I like "this" band and do I like "that" band (bands live Evenesance, Bullets for My Valentine, and really bad mall-junkie music like that). The whole time I felt like he was just whipping out his "goth" dick to make sure everyone knew his was bigger. I don't think the guy means to be come across as trying too hard I just think he's going through a midlife crisis and he chose the dark vehicle that is the "goth" genre instead of buying a sports car and dating a stripper half his age. Then when other people started to come in for that Monday night he started to offer Lithium to my other patrons! Lithium, the ant-psychotic medication! Who the fuck offers that to people? His defense was that that it says "do not take with alcohol" on the bottle there for it gives you a better buzz..... What an idiot. After his all night ramblings about being so "dark" and "goth" he left me a $3.50 tip on s $55.00 tab. So I was pissed because he drove me crazy and wasn't even worth my time. The second night he came up, the next day, all he did was sit at the bar and drinks soda and talk about the "goth" bar that he's going to make. Here's the best way I can describe his bar: it is going to be separated into three sections, restaurant, goth club (with large stage for large venue bands), and a strip club. Yeah, and he wants to put it out in like Goochland right off 288 so it's easy to get to. Oh but he has no money for this club, no connections, and I'm sure no business experience. All he does is talk about this club and ask me if I think it will work and will I come work for him. No.
  
    The following Wednesday at Retrolution while I'm leaning over the bar to get Mandy's attention he had the audacity to walk up behind me and start at the small of my back and scratch up by back to my shoulders. I grabbed his hand and got in his face and told him "don't touch me, don't ever fucking touch me, you do NOT know me like that!" I'm not nice to this guy at all; I’m rudely neutral if anything. This Friday all he did was try and talk to me and get my attention but I blew him off time after time. He should fucking get it by now but he doesn't, he seeks me out in crowds and tries to talk to me. I almost feel bad for this guy and if he was like 13-18 I would have a different attitude because we all start out pretty awkward and it's forgivable but he's not. He's forty and creepy. If you see this guy (he's the old guy decked out in everything Spencer's sells that's black or has spikes on it) I highly advise ignoring him, he WILL try to talk to you. But if you're bored and want some funny stories then talk to him, he's good for a laugh.